“I don’t talk about LGBTQ+ issues because I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing.”
It’s a sentence I hear often from therapists, colleagues, friends, organisations, and well-meaning people who genuinely believe their silence is safer than their voice. On the surface, it sounds considerate. Underneath, it often functions as an excuse.
Because the truth is this: fear of getting it wrong has become one of the most socially acceptable reasons for not engaging with LGBTQ+ people, lives, and realities at all.
Silence Is Not Neutral
Avoiding LGBTQ+ topics doesn’t happen in a vacuum. When people opt out of conversations, training, curiosity, or visibility, the message received by LGBTQ+ people is not “I’m being careful.” It’s often “This is too uncomfortable,” “You are too complicated,” or “Your existence is optional.”
Silence can feel polite to the person choosing it, but to LGBTQ+ people, especially those who are already marginalised, it can feel like erasure.
Other Common Excuses (and Why They Don’t Hold Up)
Let’s name a few of the familiar reasons people give for disengaging:
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“I treat everyone the same.”
This sounds fair, but it ignores the reality that LGBTQ+ people are not treated the same by society. Equality of intention does not equal equality of experience. -
“I don’t want to offend anyone.”
Offence is not caused by good-faith mistakes followed by listening and repair. It’s caused by dismissal, defensiveness, or refusal to learn. -
“It’s political/controversial.”
For LGBTQ+ people, identity is not a debate topic. It’s their life. Labelling LGBTQ+ existence as “controversial” is a way of distancing yourself from responsibility. -
“I don’t have any LGBTQ+ clients/friends/colleagues.”
You almost certainly do. They may simply not feel safe enough to tell you. -
“I’m not an expert.”
You don’t need to be an expert to be respectful, curious, and willing to learn.
For Therapists: Avoidance Is Not Ethical Neutrality
If you are a therapist and you avoid LGBTQ+ topics because you’re worried about saying the wrong thing, it’s important to pause and reflect honestly.
Your discomfort does not outweigh a client’s need for safety and affirmation.
LGBTQ+ clients often scan for subtle cues: language choices, assumptions, silence, hesitations. When LGBTQ+ identities are avoided, minimised, or treated as awkward, clients learn very quickly what is welcome and what is not.
Being LGBTQ+ affirming is not about knowing every label or never making a mistake. It’s about:
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Acknowledging power and difference.
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Being open to correction.
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Doing your own learning rather than placing that burden on clients.
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Understanding that “not talking about it” is itself a clinical intervention, and often not a helpful one.
Discomfort Is Part of Growth
Most people are not afraid of saying the wrong thing. They are afraid of feeling embarrassed, corrected, or exposed as someone who doesn’t yet know enough.
That discomfort is not harm. It is growth.
LGBTQ+ people live with discomfort every day - navigating assumptions, microaggressions, safety calculations, and the emotional labour of deciding when to explain themselves and when to stay silent. Expecting them to continue carrying that load so others can remain comfortable is not allyship.
What Actually Helps
If you are not LGBTQ+ yourself and you want to do better, start here:
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Be willing to speak, imperfectly, rather than staying silent.
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Listen when you are corrected without becoming defensive.
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Apologise briefly when you get something wrong, then adjust.
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Educate yourself rather than relying on LGBTQ+ people to teach you.
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Understand that allyship is a practice, not a personality trait.
Saying Something Will Never Be Perfect, But Saying Nothing Is a Choice
You will make mistakes. Everyone does. LGBTQ+ people are not asking for perfection. We are asking for presence, effort, and humanity.
The question is not “What if I say the wrong thing?”
It’s “What does my silence cost the people around me?”
If you are serious about inclusion, care, and integrity, in therapy rooms, workplaces, families, and communities, then it’s time to stop hiding behind fear and start engaging.
Not perfectly.
Just honestly.
